Self Knowledge

So, this is stream of consciousness. It is incredibly raw. It is my soul displayed. This isn’t all of who I am, but it is a part of who I am. It helps to write it down, so I did. Anyways.

How can sin and peace coexist in a person? Sin and joy?

I’m forgiven. That is mercy unimaginable, but my sin remains. I do not want it, yet I cling to it like a newborn to a mother. Why is my sin not taken from me now? Lord, I beg you, but you do not answer. Is my desire not a good desire? Do you not want the same? It will happen eventually, with glory, but I want it now! Why must I suffer the continued effects of sin? Remove it, remove it, please.

I am so young. How can I stand to live with this burden my whole life? I experience brief respites in which I comprehend the utter majesty of your understanding and conquering of sin, and I return to the world with a renewed passion for you and love for others. But soon, my vileness becomes apparent once again, and despair envelopes me. It surrounds me. When I am not distracted, I return to the thought of sin and enter a hurricane. I become a stumbling stranger in a foggy, empty, gray neighbourhood. My mind runs and runs and though I know that I want to stop, its legs continue. A constant force pulls me. I am watching myself fall through a vacuum. I think of myself, then think of my thinking, then think of my thoughts of thinking.

And then, it is over. I remember what peace is. Or perhaps I forget what sin is? Either way, Christ has mercy. The endless movement ends. I am still, and I know that you are God. Lord, you have given me a hard gift. I have asked that you keep me humble, and I do not want to be humble. I am sorry that you have to subject me to self-knowledge to restrain me. I know that although it is hard for me, my pain is insignificant compared to the pain you feel at my own. If it is possible, let me have peace while staying humble. If not, keep me humble. Prior to both, let me love you and love others. Above it all, let me be who you want me to be. That is what I want, Lord. Conquer my sin so that I can want it truly.

I am still, and I know that you are God.